imPerfect

and I hit that wall last week. The wall that starts to make you do and say things that reflect insecurity more than anything. I had begun to question everything and nothing felt right or even good anymore (really, *nothing* felt good).

He called me on Sunday to see if i wanted to go to a play with him and, given that he had so much work to do, said that he could not hang out afterwards. I passed on the play but took the opportunity to talk to him. I told him that I thought we should talk about what we are doing. He agreed and acknowledged that he had started to feel like the ambiguity in our relationship was not a good thing either. So, I told him, I think honestly, that I still was not sure about what I want with him or from him but that I did think the relationship had potential. I also admitted that, for whatever reason, in order for me to continue in the relationship, I would need to hear from him what he was thinking.

He said that his position had not changed since the last time we spoke. "I do not want a girfriend right now", he said. My heart sunk a little even though I *knew* this was a likely outcome. I then said that what he said was a start and it was good for me to know that nothing had changed. I then told him that he had only told me what he *did not* want, not what he did want. So, I asked him 'What do you want?". This proved to be a harder question to answer and he wanted to think about it, I helped a little by asking 'For example, would you be comfortable with me dating other people?'. (i assumed that he assumed that I was already doing this but, for some reason, i posed the question like i was not. not sure why i did this, but i did). Anyway, he said "Well, I could handle it but I'd like you to tell me first and then we should probably only be friends'.

Ahhh, from one ambiguous place to another.....
Thank god for communication..