I'm back...

from Tucson and SF - sorry for my delinquent blogging! Just wanted to see who was still reading -
give a shout if you are out there and I'll feed you!!

Trouble, trouble. trouble

may not be trouble after all. I saw him Saturday night and my fondness of him as well as my desire for him is growing. He showed up in his fall colors (wearing burnt orange corduroys and a green shirt) and I immediately wanted to hug him. And I did. (warning, this might be a cheesy entry, if it is not already!). We went for a walk along the Hudson river and sat for a bit while the sunset. Our conversations are easy, seamless in fact and it is hard to pin down what we actually talked about because of this. And it is not even important. I am a little amazed by how comfortable I feel with him, as if I've known him as long as I've known who he was. After the sun set, we walked hand in hand (normally, this makes me feel uncomfortable at first, and it makes me wonder IF I want to be holding their hand or what IF someone that I know sees me holding their hand. I guess what I mean to say is that it is something that couples do, so before you are sure of this, it feels strange) but I did not mind it, in fact, it felt natural. We stopped at one point along our walk back to admire the deep blue color of the water as the orange shy was fading and he kissed me! Right there between the best fucking city in the world and the blue water (ok, cheesy I know but it felt so romantic). It was finally the romantic kiss from my movie, playing right before my eyes. Dinner followed. Trouble had a nice interaction with the bartender that I thought was telling of him .I cannot describe exactly what happened but the bartender was abrasive with him and, in return, he was friendly and calm. I noted that because it was clear to me that she was being somewhat abrasive and I would not have reacted like he did. I admired it. After that interaction, she came around and was helpful and open to us (we were dining at the bar of a brazilian steak house). I think seeing someone interact with other people is important for me and his natural instinct was right on.

Came back to my house afterwards and made out like teenagers (but more skilled of course) for a couple of hours. I want to take this one slow still. He stayed the night and we also spent the morning making out. (hee hee).

So, all in all, I like him. I am freaked out, though, at how quickly things seem to be progressing, I have no desire to see or even think about the other men but it does feel like infatuaion. Also, I know that both Trouble and I want to find a partner - and I am afraid that we are accepting this so openly and wholeheartedly based on our mutual desires to have someone. And I realize that time will reveal if he is that someone - I do not want to get carried away with being carried away because that seems easy, and potentially dangerous, to do now. The butterflies in my stomach are flying so wildly that they could carry me away.

I told mr.small about trouble last night. He did not take it so well. I think he felt more betrayed by him than me, which is interesting. Probably a guy thing. he also told me that he did not know why I was interested in trouble because he (1) had no hair (2) was not attractive and (3) was emotionally immature. Well, mr. small really laid it out for me, don't you think?

Trouble

an I hung out again last night. I had decided before he arrived that it would be good to spend as much time together as possible to gain some clarity on my feelings. I figure if this is a fleeting crush, on either of our parts, then a little time will reveal that. If it is not, then a little time will also help to solidify the desire. As soon as he walked into my apartment last night, I knew the attraction was growing. I never really thought Trouble was particulary attractive but as I get to know him, he is growing on me. That same effect has happened to me several times in my past and it has always been a good sign.

I feel at ease with him. I feel like I can be myself and, most importantly, his presence somehow brings out the calm-me more than the high-strung-me. He is a very gentle man but also appears to have a very strong core. He is not afraid to express himself.

I went back and forth many times last night between thinking this could work and feeling doubtful of that. I am hoping he (not him directly, but getting to know him better) will convince me either way. I am being good in the meantime, not even a kiss goodnight....

Equation WAY OFF!

Ok, that equation put my friend, the poet, at my lower limit. And, boy, was he ever! He was way more innocent that I (and you) had ever imagined. His intellectual discourse (for the most part) is far more mature than his emotional intelligence. I would say he is late-twenties by mind and early teens by experience. Definetly a date I will not forget. I also can tell there is going to be some fall out from this one as well - by mid-drink (he had a sprite), he was already talking about seeing me again. I do feel like Mrs. Robinson!

Equation?

MonkeyLuv - what is that equation again? Half your age + 7 is it?

My busy Sunday.

Started off with a morning full of Turing tests at the Upper West Side apartment of a most intelligent yet bizzare and annoying man named Hugh Loebner who has been offering a prize of $100,000 to any AI to pass the Turing test for 15 years. The AI community shunned him long ago but he continues to hold his annual prize competition. No one ever passes the Turing test, but a few thousand dollars is given away to the programmer whose computer does the 'best job' as judged by four judges. I was one of the judges this year. It was fun fun fun. And bizarre. Here is his website in case you are interested in checking him (or the contest) out!

http://www.loebner.net/


On my way out, one of the confederates who had been eyeing me most of the morning, chased after me. He offered to walk me to Coumbia (I was going up there to see Trouble). Turns out this young lad is an aspiring poet, mostly from the middle of the country, and now settled in NYC to become published. He eventually wants to get into film as well. He is 25. And thinks he is going to be famous someday, and as such, avoids being photographed. In fact, he looks afraid of being photographed. Interesting. He was extremely charming and, oh so, beautifully ready to experience the world. He is quite attractive as well. I have to say that I enjoyed my conversation with him more than I have enjoyed my conversations with some of my dates. Over the course of our interaction, we playfully acknowledged our age difference.

He asked me "Do you think it matters?"
Although many scenarios popped into my head, I honestly answered 'No, I don't". Because I think, in the end, it is not age, itself, that matters. And I was having a most sophisticated conversation with him. The age does come into play when we went for a drink and he only had $1 in his wallet. I laughed and treated that sweet, young boy to a pink lemonade Snapple. (he does not drink coffee)! He asked me to go see a film with him that night and I declined (although would have under different circumstances). I have a feeling he might need a code name as I suspect we might end up going out sometime soon. I feel naughty even thinking about it. But, it is also comfortable for me. Ahhh, the world of dating younger men! Why did I decide to leave it?? (just kidding, I know *why* i decided to leave it - but is it so bad to desire a reminder?)

At this point, I was exhausted (with a smile) and more than anything needed a dip in a pond (or as is more common in NYC, a shower) but I was already uptown near my Alma Mater and Trouble. We met on the steps of Columbia - a spot I spent much time on during my undergraduate years and waited for him to show. It briefly crossed my mind that I might want to open up a conversation with him at some point about how this flirtation is more than a little irresponsible maybe, or dangerous, or doomed even, but I decided against it and, instead, thought that the time to get to know each other is important and probably necessary before I can even know the above. So, Trouble and I shared a sidewalk meal. He asked to sit facing downtown and I asked him why he wanted that seat – he admitted that he was avoiding making eye contact with someone who might be walking down the street that way. Of course, I asked whom. He admitted it was his ex, who apparently he was angry with. At this point, I thought that it would never work out with us because he seems to be hung up on his ex. But Trouble always (has a reputation for) talking about his past relationships. I think most people have emotional reactions to the mention or thought of past loves when they are still somehow wrapped up in that person or the relationship. But I think Trouble may possibly be the most emotive human being I have ever met. Yes, more than me! Scary. And another reason why I am thinking that I do not want to get involved with him. I am not sure if I can take him talking about his past relationships all the time. Being that I can be jealous, hearing about past relationships, is not that easy for me. But perhaps it could be a growing experience – I should be OK with these things. Anyway….

We dined and almost as soon as I was annoyed by his mention (and forced seating arrangement) of his ex, we were not talking about any past loves anymore. We talked about life, work, love (in general), family, death, …I guess being emotive also carries its positive sides. I was tired by the end of dinner but it was still early so I suggested we go for a cruise in his car! (his eyes lit up – apparently this is one of his favorite things to do!) This might sound strange to those readers outside of NYC but owning a car is rare and there fore, living here really makes your realize how much you enjoy driving. I never realized how much I enjoyed driving until I was deprived. It makes me feel calm and free.

We walk back to his place (decorated mostly Ikea tastefully) and grabbed his iPod and were off. He in the driver’s seat and I was in control of the music. Not sure if I mentioned that he had sent me a CD for my birthday – but I was thumbing away searching for it on his iPOD and asked him if it was on there or not. He smiled (somewhat embarrassed) and said ‘Yes, it is in the Playlists. It is called MISCHIEF”. What a coincidence, eh? I call him Trouble and he refers to me as Mischief? At least we both know what we are getting into…

We drove through Harlem, down 5th Avenue all the way to my place. I asked him up for a drink. We talked for two more hours. He traced the veins on my hands and arms. He told me that he realized he liked me because I reminded him of chocolate. Dark chocolate. There was no good-bye kiss, too soon for us, the forearm rub was just about all I could stand before I was going to loose all sense of responsibility.

doubts

I just read over much of this blog and it made me feel misrepresented. If someone were to read this, they would see someone in NYC dating multiple men and writing not-so-nice, quite frank, things about them. What does not come through is the overwhelming desire to be with ONLY ONE man, to find my majnun! Admittedly, the dating has been entertaining at times, exciting at others but moslty is taking a steady toll on my heart and my hope. If you, for one second, think that I fundamentally am enjoying all of this dating - then I am failing you. It pretty much sucks. Not all of it, of course. Having something to do is nice, getting ready for it is nice, spending time with other new personalities is nice and, all in all, all the men I have dated have been interesting and good guys (good for someone else, but good nonetheless). But, do I feel any closer to finding mr. right? Absolutely fucking not. Am I close to giving up? Absolutely.

It is as if the more I date, the less I understand about dating, the less I understand men. How could that possibly be?

imPerfect

and I hit that wall last week. The wall that starts to make you do and say things that reflect insecurity more than anything. I had begun to question everything and nothing felt right or even good anymore (really, *nothing* felt good).

He called me on Sunday to see if i wanted to go to a play with him and, given that he had so much work to do, said that he could not hang out afterwards. I passed on the play but took the opportunity to talk to him. I told him that I thought we should talk about what we are doing. He agreed and acknowledged that he had started to feel like the ambiguity in our relationship was not a good thing either. So, I told him, I think honestly, that I still was not sure about what I want with him or from him but that I did think the relationship had potential. I also admitted that, for whatever reason, in order for me to continue in the relationship, I would need to hear from him what he was thinking.

He said that his position had not changed since the last time we spoke. "I do not want a girfriend right now", he said. My heart sunk a little even though I *knew* this was a likely outcome. I then said that what he said was a start and it was good for me to know that nothing had changed. I then told him that he had only told me what he *did not* want, not what he did want. So, I asked him 'What do you want?". This proved to be a harder question to answer and he wanted to think about it, I helped a little by asking 'For example, would you be comfortable with me dating other people?'. (i assumed that he assumed that I was already doing this but, for some reason, i posed the question like i was not. not sure why i did this, but i did). Anyway, he said "Well, I could handle it but I'd like you to tell me first and then we should probably only be friends'.

Ahhh, from one ambiguous place to another.....
Thank god for communication..

First, a humble apology

for not feeding the blog monster! Not sure whether it was school starting or the various blogging difficulties I've been having, but, either way, I have been remiss. Ok, enough soft talk - let's get down to business.

Since there is too much to catch up on in order, I think I'll just describe the present state in order of occupation in my mind:

Trouble: and I have a date this Sunday. I saw him this week on a sail boat ride (organized by a colleague and I for our bdays) AFTER he had sent on the bad french declaration (A for fucking effort though!). Anyway, that guy ain't so bad looking and has a sweet, sweet smile. I cannot decide if he is to touchy-feely for me but I intend to find out. Not like that (perverts) - you know, just get to know him a little better. So, Sunday we are on for a ate afternoon glass of wine. I just called him and we were both in our apartments alone on a Friday night relaxing. We talked for almost an hour and it kind of reminded me of being in 8th grade again. There are reasons why Trouble has his name, however. And I must keep those in mind.
(1) he is a colleague in a small field
(2) my ex, mr. small, is presently working in his lab and would FREAK OUT if he knew we were going out on a date.
(3) he is a colleague in a small field
(4) I am sure there are more but I am feeling positive,,,

Parachute man: has disappeared. I just do not understand it. My last interaction with him was last week. We had our little tiff regarding his flakiness with the phone but then we ‘made up’. I do want to see him again and I want to be generous about the flakiness at least until I get to know him a little better. So I wrote to him that he could make it up to me AND that I wanted him too. He responded positively. Then I called him that night because he sounded stressed in his email and he texted back right away that he was with his sister and would call me later. That was almost a week ago. I called him again this week and left a nice message letting him know that I hoped everything was OK and that I wanted to see him. Still nothing. I am so confused. I just had this crazy thought that perhaps he has read this blog? (I am using his profile name you know!), Maybe he was googling himself and found this! Oh God. That would be awful. Is this wrong what I am doing? ( I feel guilty all of a sudden).

Anyway, I just called him again. Guilt can drive you to do strange things. Of course there was no answer. And I left another message – this time asking him to just let me know he is OK – is that a Grandma move or what? I was worried but I could have been craftier. I just looked at his profile and it says he was last active on Tuesday – so at least he was typing then. I will stop worrying now and just deal with the fact that this is probably his way of blowing me off. Maybe he met someone else this weekend and they are holed up in some sex cloud or something. Maybe he lost his phone AND hence my number AND maybe his computer mistakenly fell in the bathtub and he lost my email AND he tried to find me on nerve again but all his previous messages are erased and my profile is hidden.

Architect: I went out with him last Saturday. We saw Grizzly Man and then went out for a couple drinks afterwards. He was a bit of a surprise in that I expected him to be very polite bordering on boring BUT instead he was more rude than polite and bordered on dangerous. Let me explain – by the end of the night I felt less certain that he was a really good guy than I was in the beginning (or even after our lunch date and our hour long phone conversation). This is puzzling. I think it is fair to say that I am pretty intuitive when it comes to people. So, to meet someone who throws me for a loop in such a big way is a little scary. But, he could have been nervous. And I think we deserve another shot. I am not even going to go into the details of why I feel unsure about whether I’ll ever see him again – he has called and expressed interest in doing something soon. But, I’ve learned not to keep my fingers crossed and not to rely on anyone anymore. Gotta love dating in NY fucking C!

(more later on conversation with imperfect).

I'M BACK!

After a long break caused by various reasons - and I have a lot to report on. A date with Architect, another conversation with imPerfect (i finally got up the courage), a boat ride (takes place tonight) and the discovery of my personality type...


stay tuned...