IMperfect or imPERFECT?

imPerfect fit just called me to 'see how I was doing". i ask why and he says that I got off the phone really quickly last night. To which I reply 'well, if you figure out how to spoon over the phone, then we'll be set'.

he goes on to comment on our phone foray by saying how strange he thought it was that we were not 'hooking up' (i put that in quotes because it just seems like such a college thing to say, agreed?) but that he bought me a vibrator and we 'chatted' last night. It was one of those times where I wonder what I should say, wishing that we were not having the conversation at all. He says other things like 'our interactions are so flirtatious' and I felt like he was trying to say something and he never quite came out with it. Finally, he says that he was feeling guilty about last night - which, to me, implies that he thinks I am going to take it at more than face (or ear) value. He may be right, but why is he probing me for that kind of confession? Why cant he just let phone sexing dogs lie? Does he not know that I do not expect anything from him and that making that crystal fucking clear only serves as yet another rejection.

My only response was "You've got issues".

He agreed.

2 boys, 2 invitations, 2 drinks and phone sex

Last night was one of those nights when you take a good look at yourself in the mirror and just wonder how you get yourself in these situations. And then you smile.

The up shot of the evening was that I received two phone calls from two boys (St. Peter and imPerfect Fit - you have not heard about imPerfect fit yet because our dating relationship ended prior to the birth of this blog, so he is an ex of sorts. What do you call someone you are dating, besides that. Funny that we have words for friend and boyfriend but not a word for someone you are dating - perhaps the ambiguity of the relationship does not deserve a word in and of itself? Why do we not get a name?...anyway, I digress..)

St. Peter inviting me out to a party that he is going to with friends after yet ANOTHER work/dinner thing and imPerfect just calling to see what's up. I decide to make St. Peter wait a bit for a call back - can't hurt him to wait and I was not sure if I wanted to see him then anyway. imPerfect Fit, on the other hand, always makes me laugh and I am always happy (too happy?) to see him. So, I invite him to meet BWL and I out for a drink in Tribeca. He informs me that he is now in the West Village, outside of a sex shop. something in me knew I should not comment - but instead, my mouth says:

"Buy me a present and come and meet us for a drink".

He obeys and meets us for a drink - which was fun except for our arrogant other companion - some guys who builds 'birds for movies'. as imPerfect put it. He slips me my gift, a portable, water-proof shiny blue G-spot vibrator!

Just what I always wanted!!!

I reciprocate by giving imPerfect a deck of Knicks cheerleaders playing cards!

Soon, it is time to leave and, good thing, because it was getting hard to resist putting my hand on imPerfect's knee - he is somehow irresistable to me. As we rise from our table, he sort of whispers an invite to his place. Ugh, how strong can I be? Strong enough apparently because I decline, To which he probes a little further by saying that it will be friendly, not naughty or anything. Ha! What a joke = the two of us trying to convince ourselves that we are not naughty. I mean, he just gifted me a vibrator at my request...Puh-lease!

Minutes later, proud of myself and still smelling him, BWL and I are heading home in a cab. And I decide to call St. Peter because for some reason, being around imPerfect Fit helps me feel strong enough to have the talk with St. Peter.

I call and, holy shit!, he is at a party. Shocking. Anyway, I ask him to meet and he says he'll call asap as he is ready to leave the party. This is now around 11:45 and let the games begin,...

I relax for a bit, sit down to check my email and there is a message from imPerfect. "Use your gift!", it says. Who am I to resist and I do have some time to kill, so I use th gift (which, btw, came fully loaded with AAA batteries)..

Minutes later I get a phone call from imPerfect. Naughty, naughty boy....Not sure how much detail to put here, but you can imagine what took place next. St. Peter's calls beeps in during this time, making me feel extra naughty..

I get up and fix my hair. This is the moment where I look in the mirror - you know deep in the mirror at the woman staring back at me and....smile. Of course, I think should I now not see St. Peter?

Of course I should, I was on a roll and why stop now?

I meet up with Peter around 1 am and we go out (I avoid having him over my place, in case the phone will give me away somehow). And I tell him what is on my mind, that his disappearing act is weighing heavily on me and basically harshing his mellow. he apologizes, never protests and does not offer any hint that he can or will change the situation. Which is probably honest, which I appreciate.

In bed by 3 a.m., what a night.

racial slur..

Apres Knick photos, we went to Chelsea Piers for some dinner and drinks with the sunset on a barge. It is amazing to be reminded that we are living on in Island because it is so easy to forget. Anway, it was pretty uneventful and relaxing. As we are leaving, a boy offers to share his cab with us and saves us waiting on a long, long cab line. As soon as we get in the cab it becomes immediately clear that he is drunk and annoying and very very obnoxious. But we grin and bear it as we felt lucky to beat out the line and be on our way downtown (us villagers always feel a sense of relief as we return back downtown to our neighborhood). At a stop light, our obnoxious passenger starts talking about what boys you should date, what boys really want (surprise, surprise). BWL is so tolerant of everything he is saying but I am not. I could learn that from her at least.

Anyway, we were at a stoplight and this boy screams up to the cabbie 'Bin Laden, make the next right'. All the blood nearly drained from my face. I was mortified. There was no poker face here - not even on BWL (ironic, that her race paper is coming out in Science today) and I told him he was an asshole and needed to grow up as BWL and I got out of the cab and left him there looking dumbfounded. That was a close encounter with the other kind..

Knicks poster child

My friend, BWL and I went to a knicks season's tickets holders venue with Isaah Thomas speaking. She wanted to go because she thought it would be a party - no party though. As we were leaving the meeting, some employee asked us if we would let a professional photographer take our pictures for potential use by the Knicks - they want to have their seasons ticket's holders images to use on the tickets, website, whatever. I encouraged BWL to do it because she is the biggest Knicks fan I know. And I was the poser who knows very little about the team. Anyway, we were asked to pose with Knicks paraphenalia (me with a visor, basketball and wrist bands, her with a cap and a towel). It was midly entertaining but I have a sneaking suspicion might come back to haunt us at some point...

email from St. Peter today....

OK, so here is an email I received from him today. What the hell...? Notice, yet again, how there is no invitation to see each other....

"Carissima Professoressa,

Sorry I dropped out for awhile. It often happens after hanging out with Ed. Too much partying, etc, and I needed to lay low for a bit. I hope you are not upset with me, as it was just a necessity.

How are you doing? Been playing any tennis?

besos,
Peter"

and...

so how do I respond to him now?

St. Peter emerges...

I finally heard from St. Peter tonight. He sent me a TEXT message - his usual but after this long seems so weak. Anyway, here it is, the message we've all been waiting for:

"Sorry I've been out of touch. Ed did a number on me so I dropped out for awhile. Work even tonight. Catch up tomorrow. Besos."

And that is that. Although relieved that he is not hurt or lost or dead or something, this message maybe says more about St. Peter than I have learned in 3 months. At least I do not have to have bad dreams tonight.

caved in or not?

After much unfocused fuming and more focused discussion with my therapist, SBL and myself - I decided that I should call St. Peter. It went immediately to machine and I was so tempted to run away - hang up and run away. But, I braved the message and left one too. It was simple and friendly (i think) -I said that I just wondered how his weekend was and asked him to give me a call when he got a chance.

I thought calling would make me feel worse, but not true. I feel lighter. Hopefully that feeling will last regardless of what happens because I do not want another day like today...

rifling and romantic dinner for one

Shooting a rifle was definitely the high point of the evening. I met trouble at the shooting range and we nervously prepared for the moment of truth - using a firearm. I was much more nervous than I had imagined, mostly about putting a hole in the ceiling or my foot. But like many things in life the anticipation was bigger than the moment. I quite enjoyed shooting the target though and certainly after 50 shots was ready for more...

Trouble had made reservations for dinner for us afterwards and, given our last surprisingly flirtatious encounter, I was looking forward to more. Especially given the crappy day I was having. St. Peter still has not called and all day I kept getting more and more upset about it, more confused, more angry, hurt. rejected. So, a little flirtation and male attention would not have hurt.

It was, however, immediately apparent that trouble was not interested in me AT ALL. On our walk over to dinner, he mentioned that he had seen his most recent ex (they broke up about 2 months ago) for dinner last night and she had informed him that she was going back to her previous boyfriend. He was visibly torn up about this and it came up again and again over the course of the evening. Which is fine. Don't get me wrong. Trouble is easy to talk to and could potentially be a good friend but part of me was wanting something different tonight, maybe some hope on the horizon.

I actually think that trouble is very much like me. He kept saying things that sounded almost eerily like things I have said and thought. How Woody Allen can really get under his skin sometimes, how he would really enjoy being with someone who understood his work, how he is attracted to girls who live 'in the moment' (translation: are unstable) but really wants something more stable now, how he wants someone with whom he can ride the waves of his life and mind...all of these things are sentiments I strongly identify with.

And what a breath of fresh air to hear them coming from someone else's mouth. Kind of makes me feel not so lonely anymore.

So, although the romance tonigth was mostly between me and my exquisitely prepared salmon tartar and my basil gimlet - I do think I've found a friend.

Why do I wait?

I find that, even though this thing with Peter is not working out, I am still waiting for him to contact me.

Why?

Partly I am intensely curious whether he will at all.

And partly because, if he doesn't, I have been flatly rejected once again.

I am not sure how much more my bruised ego can take....

In other news...

I am going to learn how to shoot a rifle tomorrow....

fall from grace

St. Peter is saintly no more. It is now late Monday night and I have not heard from him since breakfast Friday morning (see St. Peter below). This is the same behavior he has exhibited for two weeks now and that led to my last text messaging confrontation with him. What is his deal? I just do not understand.

So, he was away this weekend in Montauk with friends - I knew that - but I figured if he was thinking about me at all (do you think about me at all???) that he would have written upon his return. But no. Nothing. Not even a text. And, frankly, I just do not have the time for this. I would have expected this from BJ but not from St. Peter. You are just not who I thought you were, Pietro and I am just going to have to let you go.

My guess is that he will write tomorrow asking how I am doing - but that will be all. There will be no invitation to go out, just a shout out. Or more likely a meek whisper....

does this one deserve another chance?

Bam Bam Bam

So, I called Bam Bam after much deliberation. Why hesitate? Well, honestly, I can already tell that we are not really going to hit it off in conversation - he does not get my awkward, disarming humor already..in fact, it is not even that he does not get it but more that I am not sure if he even realizes I am joking. Anyway, even given this, he is pretty cute and I've been feeling a bit starved for cute men in my life lately (ones that i can look forward to kissing at least). So, I called. Left a message yesterday afternoon on his cell phone - which, btw, had a greeting that was some really bad loud music. And, he has not called yet. Perhaps he is just incapable of actually using a phone. I did notice that he had all 10 digits and a nice pointy nose - all useful for dialing.

What is so confusing is that I did not ask for his number this time. I was all ready to walk away and had bid him adieu (of course, knowing full well that I was going to see him again since he works about 13 skips from my building) when he nervously asked me if I wanted to take his number. (he was working and did not have his cell phone on him).

hmmmmm......

the heat is on

This post is not really about finding love, it is more about how to find 'lerve'. I went out on the town with this woman, K, last night and place after place, there was an enormous amount of male attention directed at us - in the form of free drinks, desserts and, yes, even a rickshaw ride.

What an experience -

St. Peter

I met him over a year ago. We have been dating for 2.5 months now. Unlike *all* of my previous relationships, things moved, and are moving, slowly with him. We've shared romantic dinners, including ones he cooked for me in my kitchen, a champagne toast, a night on the beach watching the waves crash and various other outings over the past weeks. I quite enjoyed this 'getting to know somone before jumping in the sack' approach. I had heard about it from others but never experienced it myself. You see, I see myself as primarily driven by passion in relationships and have a bit of a hippie outlook on intimacy. Anyway, I digress.

The past couple of weeks, he has been attentive via texting and email, but not making plans with me. I started to get antsy, suspcious maybe?, wondering whether he was seeing someone else who was taking up his time or was it all work and no play...etc. At the same time, it is not as if I had not accepted offers to date (see cancelled date below) so I was also struggling with how to bring this up.

Yesterday, he texted me that he was thinking about me and wondered how I was. I texted back "Wanna catch a movie tonight?" To which, he replies that he cannot because he (yet again) has another business dinner. This leads to a series of texts in which I ask him if there is any room for me in his life. He replies that he is making room....

Ambiguous but positive, i guess (or at least SBL thinks so). So, I go to bed wondering if I should even bother waiting for this guy to make plans with me...

BUT...

wake up this morning , 8 am. to a text from him that says: Out for an early walk, shall I serve you breakfast in bed?

And like that, all faith is restored...

Bam Bam

I ran into Bam Bam - yet again - this is the third chance encounter with him since he left thhe gym. I used to go to the gym later in the evenings when it was not crowded at all and it was easy to notice all other beings in the room. Bam Bam and I were apparently on very similar schedules as I would see him regularly. I would watch him struggle happily with too heavy weights and enjoyed his spiky blond hair as well - hence the nickname, Bam Bam. The over the course of a couple of months, I stopped seeing him so regurlarly and then not at all.

BUT...

then the chance encounters took place. First one was in line at a deli around the corner from where i work. I recognized him immediately and he had some glimmer in his eyes as well. I started up a conversation and mentioned that the gym was not the same without him (BOLD MOVE, DR. LOVE). As I said goodbye, he asked for my phone number.

and never called.

Second chance encounter was on 5th Ave near the school he attends. This was months after the first. He sheepishly admitted that he had never called because he was dating someone else at the time. I think he was embarrassed.

And today was the third encounter. I had decided that he probably went away for the summers, but instead he has taken a summer job in American Apparel. It was like seeing an old friend, except not at all since I know nothing about him and I somehow doubt he resembles the guy in my Flinstone's fantansies...

We chatted and I said goodbye. he then said "Do you want to take my number?" (Germans are so straigh forward). I made some crack about how I would actually use it (he did not seem to catch it). But I lauged anyway. So, will I call him? or he is better off forever being Bam Bam in my mind?

Up shot either way is that now I can get 30% off at American Apparel! Woo-hoo!

dinner with a colleague

I just returned from drinks and dinner with a colleague. He will be called 'trouble' from now on. he is trouble because my attraction took me by surprise. I have met trouble at least a dozen other times at conferences and such but have never thought he was attractive. But he was wearing linen. Anyway, it was not only the linen, but trouble is an interesting, talkative guy and i like those things. so, he took me a little by surprise. if we did not have so many links to each other through our work and mutual colleagues, I suspect he'd be with me right now and this blog would not exist (until tomorrow). but, alas, we are all grown up now, aren't we? Huh? Are we? Hellloooooo?

flirting with trouble

I have just agreed to meet up with trouble again for a most unusual foray.

We are both going to learn how to fire a shotgun.

This was precipitated by a dream that I had had and shared with him last night about me staring down the barrel of a shotgun..

cancelled our first date

So, I met this guy at the beach in Montauk last weekend. Let's call him AYJ?, for 'are you jewish?'. The answer is no, but I did not give it up so easily. Anyway, we met and he instantly made it clear that he was interested. What a relief, I thought, someone who is not afraid to be out there, confident, aggressive....real. it was refreshing. Anyway, we talked in the surf, he taught me some frisbee skills and we chatted about what it means to be an honest person (yes, all in our first meeting).

Then he asked for my number. he called me soon after and asked me out. Could not have gone any smoother. We were supposed to go out tonight.

HOWEVER..

he calls me yesterday and starts the conversation with 'I told you I was separated, right?". I said that,no, he had not told me that but his friends had...Anyway, his wife had called him this past weekend and they were going to try to reconcile, so he had to cancel our date.

I realize this is not the most entertaining tidbit, but it might be evidence that the good ones are taken. I admire him for trying to make it work and being so honest with me. So, although I would have liked to date you AYJ? (even though I am not jewish), I do admire your approach and retreat! Good work.

Why am i doing this?

why have i decided to open a blog after so many months laughing at others? well, the most proximal reason is that my friend (hereafter referred to as AKA) just asked me to. In my search for love, I have fallen into having to provide daily updates to him and others regarding the status of various relationships (calling them 'relationships' is sometimes a stretch). In fact, another great friend (hereafter referred to as SBL) has suggested that I post status upgrades for various men in my life on the web - you know, just an easy way to let them know how I am feeling about them.

Another reason is that I have noticed after 15 months of dating and attempted dating in NYC that my experiences have been, at best, extremely entertaining and, at worst, mildly entertaining. So, although I have not found love, I have certainly found a lot of laughs....

I am also about to start on-line dating (well, that is not really true since I briefly tried eharmony) but i think going on nerve or match or whatever will be much more interesting. And I mostly want a reference for when I am someday in a relationship and find myself missing the good 'ol days - hopefully this will be more accurate than my memory and remind me that things were not so good (and, of course, not so bad).

this entry is my first and kind of sucks, I realize but, like my search for love, hopefully will improve with time and practice.

boyakasha!