How to break up with St. Peter????

HELP!

I need to break things off with St. Peter. I am really bad - REALLY BAD - at this.

He has returned from a week in China - after, in his own way, putting his heart on the table (remember the inscribed drawing tablet?). And, after stalling all week, I have agreed to see him tomorrow.

Any suggestions for what makes for a considerate break up ?

dinner with parachute man

I met up with him for sushi last night. Remember it had been more than 3 weeks since our first date - so I was not sure what to expect. Honestly, I remember liking him and our first date but time had passed and the excitement had worn thin. I was reminded last night what I liked about him. And also realized that there is more to learn - as always.

We met outside the restaurant- he looked cute. He has an asymmetrical face that you can only notice from one side. Even though I do not have a 'type' per se as is easily seen from my past loves, it is true that I do find asymmetry very attractive. Symmetry can be beautiful like a rose, but asymmetry is more like sunflowers, dahlias and zinnias...

Dinner was on the quiet side - I was tired and he was tired - but, nonetheless, comfortable and more of a time to get to know each other than a passionately conversational dinner. Again - the nerve factor. There is so much to get to know about him that our 'dates' are difficult because I'd rather be out and about doing something else together that will provide a milieu for conversation (through which we can get to know each other). So the "dinner date" is the hardest probably for initial nerve interactions. Must keep that in mind.

Parachute mans's next project involves the building of a wind tunnel somewhere in Brooklyn/Manhattan - cool!


After our quiet, but nice, dinner - we walked out of the restaurant and he took my arm and, i think, was attempting to escort me across the cobblestoned trafficky street - when he wrapped it the wrong way around so that it was actually quite awkward for me to keep it there. But the gesture was cute - and very telling. He was working hard for some physical contact. And he chose the right way to get it.

He drove me home in his Element and walked around the car to let me out and give me a hug. Half way through the hug, he decides he is going to crack my back for me (who knows where this came from?) - he quickly asks, is clearly excited about sharing this with me and, before I can refuse, he has me off of my feet in a bear hug and proceeds to crack my back in two places. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop (pause) pop, pop,pop,pop,pop. I am pressed so closely to him and basically fully at his mercy and, as he cracks me, I unconsciously moan into his ear. It was *quite* intimate for a good night hug. And unexpected. He likes to hug. And then, as I was hoping, he gathered up the bravery to steal a kiss.

'Mmm, soft lips', he said.
I smiled and kissed him two more times -

oh yeah

forgot to mention - I am going out for sushi tonight with parachute man...

stay tuned..

Visors off to the Open!

In the spirit of the US Open - in NYC starting this week - I thought a little comedic break was in order. All this talk of possible love and love gone bad can get quite heavy.

I was reading an article in Time Out on the Open and the first paragraph cracked me up so badly - that I wanted to share it with you all before continuing. Apparently, in 1951, a tennis player named Earl Cochell displayed some serious bad sportsmanship - putting the John McEnroe that we all probably remember to shame. Here is the quote:

"Cochell snapped after a line call, at one point even trying to climb the umpire's chair. 'let me talk with those sons of bitches" Cochell snarled at the tournament referee Ellsworth Davenport."He was outrageous" says Boston Globe columnist 'He wanted to address the crowd through a microphone"

Ok, that sounds bad but get ready for this:

"A right-hander, Cochell played left-handed and served underhand for the remainder of the match". After losing, Cochell cursed at Davenport and was promptly banned for life by the United States Tennis Association."

Ahhh, life before road rage...

Not too shy...

to admit that I spent much of my weekend with imPerfect. Although I also admit that it is raising questions that are becoming harder to suppress. Our time together is really, really satisfying and fun, actually, and as soon as I find myself in his company, I decide that I'd rather not force any conversation regarding what the hell we are doing. What he hell are we doing? Part of me thinks it could be one of two things:

(1) he has re-thought our last break up and is, in his own way, trying me on again for size - seeing if I can somehow fit into his slightly angst-ridden-i'm-just-about-to-produce-my-thesis life.

OR

(2) he misses having dr. love around for various reasons (insert reasons here) and she is just what he needs right now (stress on the *right now*).

The problem is that, for some reason, not knowing what MY expectations of him should be is keeping me from evaluating the relationship for myself. Not sure if that makes sense to anyone. Basically, if the answer is (2), then I'll walk away and, probably be annoyed at him for awhile and then get over it because I am not letting myself get wrapped up. However, if the answer is (1), then all of a sudden we are on equal footing - and I can try him on for size as well.

I figure if the answer is (2), he'll freak out again in a week or two and we'll have another painful (painful 'cause it is cliche not 'cause it'll hurt - although it will, of course). If the answer is (1) , however, I think we'll be in the same place in a few weeks.

So I see two issues here:
(1) Why do I need to know where he is at to figure out where I am?
(2) How to bring this up, if at all, and, if so, when?

If love is supposed to be easy, then this ain't love, baby!

Cobatldan tries again..

He called me this afternoon - said he had just gotten back from his much needed weekend to find my message. He said he really wanted to see me and could I go out tonight?

I suggested that I call him 'last minute Dan' - last minute to make plans AND break them...(I left that last part out)

I am all for spontaneity as long as it does not border on or serve as an excuse for something much more simple and destructive - selfishness. I mean, really, what is the big deal with making dinner plans at least ONE day ahead of time? Maybe jumping out of a plane 2000+ times changes your perspective on the rest of the world?

In any case, I told him I'd have to think about it (which I did) and called back a couple hours later and left a message that I was not going to be able to make it tonight but that we could try for this week...

have not heard back yet...

too harsh?

I bet you might be wondering 'What ever happened to parachute man?'. Last you heard, we had a very succesful date and I was looking forward to seeing him again. We went on our first date 8/09 - almsot three weeks ago. He expressed interest in seeing me again soon and has been in touch but his communcitions have been far and few between. I've been patient.

FINALLY, we agreed to meet up this past Wednesday. He canceled on me the last minute because his sister was in town and it was their b-day (collective - born on same day 2 years apart). No problem - everyone deserves a cancellation and I thought it was sweet that he was going to be with his sister. He apologizes and asks me out for Saturday. Yesterday, around 2 pm I get a message from him asking me if I can make dinner Friday night (even though we had made plans for Sat night). Confused, I write back telling him that I thought out plans were for Saturday and that I had already made plans for Fri night (that night, mind you). A few hours later, I get this message:

"last minute, i agreed to go upstate with my friend. we're leaving late tonight.
i have been super stressed as of late and really need the get away.

do or die, next week?

-daniel"

*Another* last minute cancellation????


To which I reply:

"that is a funny way to put it. I think it might already be dead."


TOO HARSH???

Encounter...

As I nervously sat on the steps of the library, eyes shooting to and fro resting only on men approaching the steps alone, I saw a man - 30 something, around 5'10' with an earring in one ear, looking slightly effeminate or walking so at least, cargo shorts, T shirt and sneakers - he is looking around nervously, sees me looking at him and he approaches me..

"are you - - - maureen?"

PHEW!

He blushes, smiles, walks away and has a seat. I wonder if it is another first nerve encounter...

I start to get really nervous now - looking back and forth, trying to look like i am looking, but relaxed. because you never know when his eyes will rest on you for the first time. Then I see him. I am certain it is him - he looks just like he does in his photos, walking slowly, jeans and maroon shirt, he is a little pale, blue eyes, wearing sexy-dorky glasses. He looks at me then looks away quickly before I can react. I take this as a sign that he does not recognize me. No wonder - he is going off of my profile. Perhaps if I had shown up in a bikini or carrying a guitar he may have had a better time. Anyway, he looks back and I smile. His nod asks 'you?'. I nod yes back. He slowly walks over - my heart is pounding.

HE IS CUTE!!!

Thank god - and I have no idea what to say. neither does he. We sit together, sun hitting us, making both of us sweat as we nervously stumble for words. I am not sure exactly how but we manage to make a plan and we get up to go get sandwiches. The first 20 minutes or so was really awkward - waiting in line at Cosi to-go sandwich joint on a semi-blind lunch date.

The setting was perfect. Bryant Park, beautiful sunny, breezy day, opera going on in background - we sit face to face. For the most part - we were both pretty nervous I think. The result of which is that i say too much, often laughing at my own jokes. he says less and it takes him some time to get it out. I am still amazed at how strange this whole nerve dating this is. Here I am sitting with someone who could be a total prick (unlikely but possible). he could be someone who yells at homeless people! Or tips terribly! he could be someone who judges others actions too much! How do I know? And I am willing to put myself out there - to be in the company of someone I do not even know. Bizarre. I think friendster had one thing right - letting friends leave testimonials. Nerve could be considerably improved if you were allowed to include reference letters written by ex's and friends. Think of how much time we would all save..

We talk about his work, my work, parks, Dukes of Hazard, Memento, Eternal Sunshine, windows, our shared love of all things bread AND getting together when we are both back.

I also caught him shoot a glance at my backside as I walked away. Cha-ching!

First official nerve 'letdown'

No, no no - it is not architect - it is too early for that, i meet him in 2.5 hours.

B.e.d. (thanks kenny g) wrote asking for a second date. We all know the chance of THAT happening is only slightly greater than the chance that the Israelis really mean to un-settle more than 2% of their stolen land - so I had to write the 'no, thanks' letter. I contemplated citing major infractions such as not knowing what i did and minor ones, too, such as lying about your height...but then decided that although I often think this might be the case, it is not my job to educate the world. Plus, I thought he might think I was mean - even though it might be good advice for him to have.

So, I settled on 'there is no chemistry for me' - honest and final, i think.

This was harder than it should be. Time to grow a tough outer shell that is not in-NERV-ated....

Carpe Diem indeed!

We are meeting tomorrow on the steps of the New York Public Library at 1 pm...

Architect's response to my request...

to see him soon. I had written him telling him that we should meet soon because I was developing an email crush - that may be for naught if we have no chemistry.

This is his reply:

"You paint a great picture, L. I'd love to meet soon but I am going back to the homestead for the week between this friday and Sept 4. I think we have a conundrum.

We can keep emailing, possibly becoming more and more interested in each other, possibly setting up a high stakes meeting over a week from now. Or we can let the tension that has already built just hang in the air until we know when we will meet.

I've always wanted to go to Montauk. But in rough weather for some reason, maybe during an approaching hurricane. There is something about being on the very edge of safety.

D"

Oh god AND HE LIKES STORMS - fuck fuck fucking fuck.
And the fact that he writes 'edge of safety' instead of 'edge of danger' struck me. You can all see how I can fall into email crush land if I read into little phrases and such. I want to taste this guys lips already - what is wrong with me?


Sooooo, should we keep emailing even if we cannot see each other until after Labor day? (the conundrum he refers to above is that I am going away from the 1st until Labor Day)

or do we stop and simmer?

or do I ask him out for tomorrow?

Drink with Blue eyes

Let there be no mention of Blue-eyed Devil from here on in - he showed up to the date not knowing what I did!! Jesus - can't you do your fucking research!

Seriously, he is a nice guy but no chemistry at all. He seemed short too which scares me because I had no idea what 5' 10" was like and Architect is 5' 10" too. I am so sad now.....

My desire is bigger than my week...

I am about to go meet 'blue-eyed-devil' for a quick drink tonight. I have not mentioned him before. He was from the very first generation circa early August. I had just finished my profile and was trying out 'winking' for the first time. I winked at blue-eyed-devil because his profile made me laugh. We have been thinly communicating for a couple of weeks and he spontaneously offered up meeting tonight on the phone last night. I agreed - then went back and forth in my mind about whether I really wanted to meet him. You see, on the phone, he is not that appealing because he sounds, well, how to say this?, kind of annoying. But, against my better judgment, I am going to meet him now for a quick drink. I guess because you never know.

here he is:




THEN -

Wed. night - dinner with parachute man
Thurs. night - Young Democrat party
Fri. night - out on the town in Williamsburg (translation: land of hip hot men) with my friend Blondie.

Last night - imPerfect came over and we romped and rolled (!). Yes, I am sort of hiding this piece of information from ya'll by putting it here instead of with its own big headline : 'GREAT SEX LAST NIGHT' like it deserved. You see it just sort of hit me that, psssst, other people can read this. I am being shy I guess.

So anyway, great sex last night with imPerfect. He came over wearing a white linen shirt. Insert image of Lenny from Laverne and Shirley biting the inside of his hand. (remember him? ).

First nerve crush

And I have not even met him yet. Architect. We've exchanged four long-ish emails since yesterday morning and I find that I am looking more and more forward to his next message. This is the first x-citing x-change I've had on this nerve trial. His notes are smart, witty, heartfelt, compassionate and oddly sexy. I've already decided he is hot.

I WAS WARNED ABOUT THIS!!!

Before I started this nervy experiment, my friend gave me two pieces of advice:
(1) Have a kind of long-ish profile with a hidden message buried in a long paragraph somewhere with explicit instructions for your to-be-suitor to follow upon contacting you and
(2) Do not engage in much email flirtation *before* you meet someone because you can fall for the written man who, unfortunately, is not always the twin of the verbal man.

I HAVE NOT FOLLOWED EITHER SUGGESTION. What is wrong with me?


Here is visual on my written crush:

Fresh contacts...

I'll admit I am getting a little bored waiting for parachute man to ask me out again. At the same time, I've not contacted eyeon for another date. I guess so it goes in this harsh, on-line dating world....

So, I decided to search on and find some fresh meat - er, i mean, men to contact. This has to be a numbers game at some point and that whole physics theory about waiting for mr. right to come to me is not convincing in the least.

I looked at my 'hotlist' and, quite frankly, latinman did not do it for me. I looked at his profile and just felt that i was, I dunno, not excited to contact him at all. So, there are some new profiles i am considering. One in particular, for reasons unexplainable, i already have a crush on.

Mystery

also see:
Architect

I am going to write notes to both of these boys - er, i mean, men.

Also found self-touted cognitive science writer/philosopher who sounds interesting...but do not think I'll be attracted.
Maybe I will find a friend...

CogSciMan

St, Peter strikes again

I went out with St. Peter last night, after much debate about whether to keep the date. I have not seen him in so long and was kinda just over it. But I agreed to meet up with him after expressing my hesitation about the whole thing. We met up at a place called 'Cuba' on Thompson St. below West 3rd. It is now one of my favorite restaurants. I felt immediately transported to another country in that place. Amazing (best I've ever had) mojitos, tasty tapas, smiling and dancing wait staff, live merengue music. Everyone in the restaurant was happy and swaying to the music....

So, it felt like I was on vacation with St. Peter more than anything else and we all know that you cannot break up with someone on vacation! So, we talked and laughed and danced a little. It was a great evening.

He brought me a gift to the restaurant. It was a beauitful flax linen covered drawing tablet, complete with a brown seude string tie and pencil holder. Inside he left me a note, it read:

Dearest Lila,
You asked me to explain my intentions and after much thought and attempts at writing the right letter, I think I can give you the answer quite simply. I would like to leaed my life artfully and I am searching for a muse. If you so desire, we could fill these pages with many more thoughts and drawings.

Truly Yours,
Peter

Vindictive?

Arriving late on purpose? I think so. Deserved? I think so.

Turns out I got a call on my to the brunch spot that it was actually closed for the summer - makes me wonder how long ago he happened to walk by. Anyway, we ended up at a place called 'good' on Greenwich Ave. which was just that, not great, but good. I suugested they change their name to 'good enough' but they did not take it very well.

What can I say? Our brunch conversation, yet again, consisted of various disagreements and neither of us were giving an inch. Of course, we probably both thought we were. This time we actually talked about why we were so confrontational with each other. He suggested, perhaps, that we were too alike. I said 'possibly, but I am better looking!' (jk - i would never say that..)

Then I suggested that perhaps we just happen to have the two personalities that repel each other the most - like water and oil.

He pointed out that he thought I opened the meeting on the wrong note - to be fair, I was already annoyed when I showed up because of our phone conversation and our last meeting. He was right here. FINALLY!

Things did calm down and we talked about science for awhile while taking a stroll along the river and we argued about it OF COURSE, but this time it was a healthy argument that ended with ackowledgment of both of our opinions - the way a good argument should end!

He never told me what was on his mind (he had asked me to go out after writing an email saying that he had had a 'bewildering few days' and was decompressing), and that was disappointing 'cause I was looking forward to hearing about his week. Probably did not feel comfortable enough around me. Go figure!

It did end on a positive note, with me saying "Perhaps we got it out of our systems' and giving him a hug. He agreed FINALLY! and walked away with a smile on his face...

Brunch with Fastlip

mr contrrary gets his name back - Fastlip. I was talking with Kenny G last night and commenting on how I do not remember giving him that name - some sort of anterograde amnesia following a shocking event, i.e. our ridiculous first date. But he said he liked it - so it stands.

And fastlip stands up to it and might even get another name after today. He just called me (11:15) to set up the place for our brunch and I am already annoyed with him. he suggested a place that he had never been to before but then sadi that he did not know if it was too expensive. What the fah? Are we in fucking grade school again? Look it up loser! If you think it is too much, then do not bring it up. And I guess that rules out one of us treating the other, now that we are going to a procey place. Imagine how I'll feel now if he wants to pay - Or is that a way of not making this a date. I fucking hope so -

THEN, we were supposed to meet at noon but we both just got out of bed and it is 11:15 and I want to have a cup of Joe at joe's and enjoy my Saturday morning - so i suggest that we meet later, say 1 pm. He says "Oh, can we make it 12:30 because I do not know if I can wait that long." What a big fat fucking loser. HAVE A SNACK!!!!!!! What is wrong with him? He would rather whine on the phone than eat a fucking peach and get the whole thing over with? I never....

We settled on 12:45.

booty call unanswered - Phew!

After days of introversion, I ventured out last night with two colleagues. The rooftop lounge at the Gansevoort was breathtaking - and apparently intoxicating. My alcohol tolerance had shifted on me over the week and I had slightly overstepped my bounds...all within that one glass of wine...

All was well until after dinner, I found myself at home alone and very awake. I had heard of this drunk dialing thing and, of course, of the booty call. But, are they really ever combined? Anyway, I drunk texted imPerfect - i thought not quite a 'call' per se, more of a whisper. 'Hey, what's up?' is all I wrote, myself shying away from what I was really doing.

And I got no answer. I then (oh lord, I cannot believe i did this..) texted about 1/2 hour later:
'I canont believe that the first booty call I make in my life goes unanswered'

Why? why? why? did I do that. I think I wanted to let him know that he had missed it. But, really I was the one who was missing it. He was most likely getting his own booty -

Then the phone rings. Could it be?

It was mr.small (recently moved to town for the year). I answered and we chatted for a bit. Yes, it did cross my mind. No, I did not take the bait.

I am so embarrassed this morning. But, luckily, not more embarrassed than if imPerfect had actually answered and was waking up next to me...

Booty calls are for the weak and horny. I am happy to be the second, but the first....ugh.

message from Author

And just in time, my back is better and I can shimmy and shake it again like a bowl of jell-o!!

Author just sent me a message:

"Hi there. Thanks for writing. Of what are you scientist/professor? Where are you from originally? What do you like to do for fun and stuff? I write nonfiction -- 20th century history. Secret history mostly -- FBI, CIA, Pentagon, Vatican, terrorism. There's more than a little Fox Mulder in met: I like kicking over rocks, and seeing what slithers from the light. Cheers. Mark"

Where do you think he thinks I am from??? Why do I get that question all the time? Do I really look foreign?

Author

has not written back to me yet - it has been almost a day!

Do you think he is composing an elegant essay to steal my heart away OR has he noticed that I am nowhere near 20?

I am in no condition to see anyone with this back and the muscle relaxants make me feel super duper loopy. Perhaps, it is time to review and update everyone's status:

(1) Eyeon - We went out once, it was nice (not earth shattering), he is cute and quiet. He wrote wanting to see me again and I agreed. This has not happened for various reasons (mainly, my ailments).
(2) Parachute man - one date, fun, interesting, smart, read one of my articles before meeting with me and wants to go out again. He wrote me from the Arizona desert hoping I was feeling better and offered up a massage. Will see him this weekend again hopefully.
(3) Mr Contrary (is that what I called him?) - went out once, argued the whole time, ok cute but frustrated the hell out of me. May or may not see him again.
(4) St. Peter - keeps calling and wants to hang out. I am avoiding it (using my back as an excuse). I like him but do not feel it is going to blossom.
(5) dare I even include imPerfect???

I thought about listing pro's and con's for everyone but it is just too soon for the first three - I do not know them well enough. That'll have to wait until after the second date...

pinched nerve

As I enter my second day bedridden from a lower back muscle spasm - I am in no position to go on any of these second dates. I am, however, wondering whether it might be time to contact yet another possible nerve connection - in other words, no need for my pinched nerve to pinch my nerve...

I just perused my 'hot list' and am having a hard time deciding who to contact first. I thought to put it out to a vote - if you've got the time and the desire, check out the following links and comment on who you think might be the best fit for me:

Handsome
Author
Latinman
Preppy

you can also vote to nix these guys of course...

dating advice

Well, according to this article (and soon to be published thesis), this whole dating thing might actually worsen my chances of finding mr. right....

People are particles

Perhaps I should not do anything drastic until I can review the article myself, eh?

Just returned from a very mellow weekend in Montauk - much needed after my 3 dates last week. There was Eyeon, CobaltDan and a non-nerve date (suggested by SBL), we'll call him Mr. Contrary (not sure why i called him Fastlip in my previous post - I think I was under the influence).

In any case, all three boys have expressed interest in seeing me again and I'm thinking the 2 date minimum rule applies here.

So, I might have another busy week ahead of me. Urgh. This dating thing is exhausting. And enjoyable. Why my thoughts keep lingering on imPerfect is beyond me, however. Actually not too beyond. I have been thinking about what is so attractive about him and I realize that, for some reason, I feel very comfortable talking to him about anything. Perhaps it is because he has opened up to me? has himself thought a lot about the things I have been struggling with? he makes me feel safe being me - content or dissatisfied. I just plain like the guy despite acknowledging that he is kind of an asshole.

Or maybe it is all pheromones.....

case of mistaken messaging

Turns out that message, or so imPerfect claims, was meant for his roommate, Stupid. I am relieved in a way and still disgusted in another way. Why is he calling his roommate fuckmunch? I've heard of buttmunch before, but not fuckmunch. Who talks like that? Who would write that?

hiatus

Sorry for the hiatus. My nephew was in town for the past couple of days and, boy, am I wiped. I managed, nonetheless, to go out with am Iranian neuroscientist from Rutgers (studying hippocampal physiology if you can believe that), named Fastlip. SBL wrote to me one night mentioning his presence. Anyway, after a very bad day, my date with Fastlip did nothing to cheer me up. He is an Iranian guy who hates Iran and Iranian food! I have never.

To top it all off, we were arguing about Woody Allen (whether he is a sick man or not) and, in the course of our argument, he said "what? you are judging Woody for something you read in the Post?". Fucker. It was all over then. And he knew it. Why are these guys such assholes?

Then, to top it all off (as if it needed a topping), I come home to a phone message from imPerfect: "Hey, call me back, if you are home that is, call me'. That in and of itself was sweet - then I notice that he has also left me a text message one hour later than his phone message. It reads:

"Hey fuckmunch. What are you out getting some? Pick up!"

What the hell? Does this even deserve any response? The kicker is that he gave me his thesis script to read for comments and I have comments (oh, do I have comments) for him and now, after that message, I do not even feel like talking to him....

2nd Nerve date

This was with parachute man, otherwise known as military man. let me start by stating that smart guys are such a turn on. Dan may be a too-smart guy - attending his first college at 12!!!!, dropping out and then attending a few more along the way and dropping out of them all. He is now, as far as I can tell, a self-made man. He is the kind of guy who just makes things happen. The night started at vons and led us through a long walk into Chinatown to LES where he used to live. We talked some more about his life and mine but mostly - there was chemistry! What a nice feeling. And, it is exactly how bad driver explained it - there is now a curiosity, an important drive to know more. It could be bad, funny, devious, scary and maybe great. But I am going to find out....

I've posted his pic from nerve, but he looks nothing like that. This pic is with some flower that blooms once a year for 5 hours (bad driver?) -

second date?

Eyeon wrote me last night and said that i was 'fun to be around' and that i was better looking than my photos, which was an unusual and nice surprise. he wants to go out again...

I've posted his picture from nerve below so ya'll can get a sense of what he looks like. Maybe this will make it more interesting for you to read this blog...

I feel a little naughty, though, stealing pics from nerve and publishing them here. Am I doing something wrong? illegal?

Got up the Nerve

for my first nerve date. I met eyeon last night for a movie (murderball). He is an artist by night - has a day job as designer for Revlon - is 41 and handsome - blue eyes, a tanned, slightly scruffy (in a sexy way) face, very nice hands. he seemed very shy in the beginning, it was a bit awkard to meet someone and then watch a film for 1.5 hours sitting next to each other in the dark (especially 'cause I cried at one point in the movie). Anyway, we chatted for two hours after the film and I am not sure what more to say except he is a nice, handsome guy. How boring, right? but seriously, it is so hard to get a sense for a total stranger after one meeting...especially if that one meeting is a date. how ironic.

But it was not always like that...

I remember when I was in 10th grade and away at summer school. I met this guy, Ian, who was in college at the time and was hanging around school for the summer. I met him in the courtyard around 7 pm or so and we started chatting. We did not stop chatting until 3 am when we starting kissing and we dated for the rest of the summer...(or almost, that is another story). My point is that I have met people in my past when I felt the chemistry almost immediately -

Is that the way it is supposed to happen?

nice recovery...

What better way to refresh a mind lingering on imPerfection than to spend an hour instant chatting on nerve? I have a profile up but it is hidden so no one can see me unless I write to them. But one of the guys I wrote to could not open my profile, for days (freaking moron). He urged me to 'come out'. Finally, I did, just this morning after imPerfect left. And over the course of an hour, I received three notes, four requests for instant chats and one wink. This is hard work.

At one point, i was simultaneously instant chatting with a grad student in machine learning from Columbia U, a painter from Brooklyn and new age business man from Sirius! Swept up into cyber-flirtation. I now have a date with the artist this evening and a coffee with the scientist tomorrow. I think I'll pass on crystal man.

And I thought today was going to be a quiet one...

imPerfection only in small doses, please!

After the crazy night, imPerfect was writing me all day - he writes all day, therefore has a lot of time on his hands and his hands are oten on a keyboard - hence, many many many silly comunications.

I'm really just trying to let him do his thing as I patiently watch from the sidelines. For example, after the previous night, I would have guessed that he would contact me but not ask me out for at least another 2-3 weeks. Instead, he wanted to hang out last night. As much as I am tired on Friday nights and could easily fall asleep at 10 pm - it can get lonely being by yourself on a friday night. I invited him over for take-out and a DVD.

And the evening was, dare I say, perfect? Or better maybe described as perfectly cozy. Warm and fuzzy. We laughed, teased, cuddled, made love (ugh, it hurts to write that) and spooned.....

He needs to be cut off - no warm, fuzziness allowed. I cannot handle that. Let's hold out for 2 weeks, at least...

walk of shame

It has been awhile since I've done the walk of shame.

Nothing is quite like that feeling of emerging from shame into the hot, sunny NYC air, sun is too bright, clothes are slightly askew not fitting the same as they did last night, hoping you've got $$$ for a cab to quickly wisk you away into the safe confines of your apartment.

It is one day merging into the next at the blink of an eye. or more the clink of a wine glass, flirtation over dinner and a moment of surrender when you think you can have what you want and then make it home in time so it will feel more like a dream...

imPerfect made dinner for me last night, he was very excited about his new patio furniture and finishing the first draft of his feature film - so we celebrated. As always with him, i appreciate more than anything that the conversation is always real, sometimes a little too real touching on crude, raunchy and, sometimes, even condescending but he says what is on his perverted little mind.

things were almost perfect, as always with him. I went over wanting to have company and, yes, wanting some loving. I knew I would have that. but things changed once his roommate came home. We'll call him Stupid (i mean that in the most sincere way, mind you). Stupid comes home and sits with us over a glass of wine and proceeds to tell imPerfect about his night. It went something like this:

'We went to the Soho Grill, the bartender is awesome. She is hot. We flirted with the hostess and asked her to join us. We told our waitress that we required receiving the phone number of our waitresses and would she oblige. We, of course, were only joking and she was so lame, she didn't get it. So we got another waitress who was awesome. She was hot. After dinner. there were two hot girls sitting at the bar so we sent them over two skewers of meat (he was very proud of himself for thinking of this). And they ate them (insert intense laughter here)! Can you believe they ate the meat (more laughter..)....."

and it went on and on and on and on....then it progressed into this dating life ...

"I fucked XXXXX"
imPerfect: "no way, when?"
Stupid: "2 days ago'
imPerfect: 'How was it?"
Stupid: 'Fantastic, but I left my watch there'
imPerfect: "so? get it back...when are you going to see her again?"
Stupid: "I don't care, i'm really in love with YYYY, she's the girl I want to marry"
imPerfect: 'OK, I think XXXX is really good for you, why don't you call her?"
Stupid: ''Cause I fucked her"
imPerfect: (silence)
ME: "So, now you're done?"
Stupid: 'Well, no, not really' (mind you he is hesitating now and thinking really hard about what to say) 'I am just too busy, I am going out with HHHH tomorrow and BBBBB Saturday", "But, shit, I really want my watch"
imPerfect: "What the hell is wrong with you? You just were inside this girl and now you can't get your watch from her?", "I think she is good for you. She is classy and a naughty, just what you need"
Stupid: 'But I want to marry YYYYY, she is a good girl"
Me: "How do you know?"
(no response)
Stupid: "Do you know what XXXX said to me?"
imPerfect: "what?"
Stupid: "She said that when we were on this balcony the other day, all she could think about was me nailing her from behind. She actually said 'nailed', that is what i say (laughing("
imPerfect: "See, I told you she was good for you"
Stupid: (still laughing). " I told her that even imPerfect, who has girlfriends, hasn't done that yet"

my heart just stops. Ok, the fucking sociologoical experiment was over. Stupid is so stupid - how could he have been so stupid to say that in front of me. He said the unmentionable. Doesn't matter that I was there to get some loving from imPerfect, part of the mood, the feel is to make it intimate, about two people not more than that! Stupid stupid stupid.

I light a cigarette because I cannot think of anything else to do. I get up to go to the kitchen and get some water and i hear imPerfect scolding Stupid for that comment.

calm down, lady, calm down. Just leave now. No big deal, it is late. Just leave. Now it feels cheap, cheaper than it ever has before.

I grab my bag (magically, stupid had disappeared) and say goodbye to imPerfect. He knows what is up. What I did not expect was his response...

He looked really upset (because he was now not going to get any action? or something else?) and proceeded to come clean about what Stupid was referring to. As if I wanted to know? He tells me that he has not slept with anyone since me and that he dated someone else 3 times and kissed her only once. This information was so strange to have - I never asked him - I do not care at all - In fact, I really did not want to know. What was so interesting is that he wanted to tell me that. I felt disrespected because Stupid would not have the brains to know not to say something like that in front of me - NOT because I thought imPerfect should have been faithful to a relationship that does not exist..

Anyway, it was very strange and emotionally intense. Of course, in the end, that only helped propel me into his arms, it felt good. But during the night, he kept saying how he has never felt like this with anyone (referring to the physical, mind you) and that he fantasized about me constantly and he does not know what is happening...etc. I have to admit, it was all very flattering. I did not/do not reciprocate. But it was as if he was in confession with me last night. Before we fell asleep, he said that it was wierd how much he wanted to tell me he loved me while we were fooling around. And I said 'yeah, isn't it wierd how that phrase just pops into your head. that is why they say it does not count during sex".

he agreed. and we fell asleep.

what a fucked up guy...

when and where

I've made my first 'date' (well, almost) with a stranger - parachute man. I suggested getting a drink on Sunday to which he replied that he prefers to go out during the week and escape on the weekends but 'Sundays ok". (ok? come on, at least feign excitement and interest, suggest another day maybe?, something...) It is amazing how, with this small amount of contact, you can actually learn about someone. So, I am going to test my intuition here and make a prediction about parachute man - then, once we go out (if it does happen as i've not heard back from him yet) - I can compare..

He will have a tendency towards depression (why else would anyone jump out of a plane 1200 times, it is either that or prozac, I imagine...)
I bet he finds little satisfaction in the little things in life
Not very positive
Will enjoy railing on others..
and has been in only one long relationship and that endeed years ago (maybe a college one)

Don't ask how I came up with all that, but we'll see.

In other news, I've been winking away on nerve. It gets easier with practice.

the male mind

Just an update on imPerfect's behavior post-phone foray. Basically, he has contacted me regurlarly since then and asked me to go out finally last night - all over text messaging ofcourse. But he did not just ask me out, it started like this:

im: "How r u?"
me: "I hate that question. Ask me another one."
im: ""What is in my pocket?"
me: "Are you just happy to see me?"

insert an hour break here during which I imagine he spent thinking about me as I did him. Oh, text flirtations...

im: "U free 2nite?"
me:" Nope, have dinner plans"
(this is where it gets hostile)
im: "2 cool 4 school?"
me: "You just wish you were having me for dinner, er, I mean having dinner with me"
im:"u loved saying you already had plans"
me: "ever think that maybe YOU love that I have plans?"

and that was that. No further texting last night. Although I hurriedly wrote that last message on my way out to meet St. Peter, I only really later realized how true it might be. imPerfect loves pursuing me now that it is all 'safe' whether that means him telling me he cannot be in a relationship or knowing that I am not wanting to be in one with him. Why is he so afraid to put himself out there? at risk?

Nothing risked, nothing gained...life is way too short for this nonsense.

More St. Peter?

I went out with St. Peter for dinner this evening. I was curious to hear what he had to say about our last interaction when I basically told him that disappearing for six days was not cool - etc. Whar I failed to consider, however, was that St. Peter has the St. in front of his name for a reason. He is a saint to be with - and tonight was not exception. After catching up about work and politics, he reached for my hand at dinner and I, only then, remembered that I was there to hear his reaction. I'll wait for my letter, I guess.

parachute man?

So, parachute man replied to me - he thinks what I do 'is very interesting' and then lets me know that, presently, his inventions are all parachutes but, in the past, have ranged from monoclonal antibodies to satellites. hmmm. he then sent me his 'latest endeavor' website: www.atairaerospace.com . I have not had a chance to check it out entirely because as soon as I read 'military', I had to stop. How do I feel about someone or someone's work that helps our military? This is a question I've not had to ponder yet in my life. I think it deserves pondering.

I think I'll respond tomorrow after I've read more....

Aha!

Just as I posted that last entry, I got my first message on nerve! It is from parachute man and he simply asks what kind of scientist I am and what is a vacquera! Two questions I can easily answer. Stay tuned to hear about what cobaltdan invents/engineers (as his profile states). I do think it is a little strange to call yourself an inventor, yes? no?

Let the winks begin!

Last night I sent my first two 'winks' out on nerve. It was not hard to find hotties to add to my hot list - and then I was off. It is exciting to fnally embark on this journey - any care to join me?

mr. small moves to my neighborhood

and that does not refer to anything (really!) but a play on the BIG significance of Mr. big for Carrie from SATC. Mr. Small is someone who has had an impact on my life - probably too much of one - but, in the end, is not ever going to be more than that.

It is refreshing to know how big or small something can be because much of the time, as with St. Peter and imPerfect, one might never know. What i think is so small now may have grown bigger and what i think is big may be an illusion...

so, knowing for sure, that mr. small is small is a big relief.